Life's A Beach

Sat 4th July 09, 2.30pm

Happy Independence Day to all the Americans out there, and Happy Birthday to Grandad Bodecott.

Here's a funny advert by Wilkinson featuring a tough little baby.... Martin beware!

Thu 2nd July 09, 5pm

They've just released pictures of next season's shirts and it's not pretty.  Even the ultra-fit and toned City players appear to have man boobs - what chance does it give us porkers?!   I'd look like I'm wearing an inflatable sumo suit in one of these ... definitely NOT on the Christmas list this year!

 

Sun 21st June 09, 7pm

Definitely one for the "you can't make this sh*t up" files.  The latest New Zealand celebrity is ... a 25 year old washing machine.  Its owner posted a humorous TradeMe ad -- the Kiwi Ebay -- to get rid of his noisy old washing machine, and it became an overnight Internet meme.

Despite setting a $1 reserve on it, he sold the machine for $5,000 to an electrical firm, who are planning to take it on tour!  The guy's even set up his own website and started selling Scary Washing Machine T-Shirts!

Kiwis do embrace silliness where possible, and good on 'em for it.

Sun 21st June 09, 5.15pm

Today has not been good.  So far :-

• A seemingly simple change has gone veeery bad and won't now complete until tomorrow morning.
• Wor Lass has put her back out and is currently laid up, midway through cooking tea.  I'm rushing between bedroom and kitchen receiving step by step instructions on how to finish the Sunday Roast without burning the house down.
• The car has gone kaput, and is resisting all attempts at a fix. Looks like it will need to be towed to the garage tomorrow.

So in summary, poo.  To cheer things up, here's a cartoon courtesy of The Rut.

Sun 21st June 09, 1.15pm

I have been mostly :-

• downing Wheatgrass smoothies with Echinacea shots to top up the immune system against the Dreaded Swine Flu.
• slowly pulling together arrangements for the trip home.  3.5 weeks to go!
• getting some excellent journalism tips from our writer friend, and having a crack at writing an essay for the local paper.
  
• working on a Sunday on a change, with a headache, then regretting it when things went tits up.
• watching the All Blacks on a freezing cold, blustery night, and realising halfway through - I DON'T LIKE RUGBY UNION!
• still working through a book about t'North with lots of interesting facts, like the fact The Communist Manifesto was written in Manchester.
• eating too many McMuffins and drinking too much wine.

Thu 18th June 09, 7.45am

Exciting news for Tigers fans - the new season fixtures are out.  We're starting with a trip to Stamford Bridge for an easy three points against Chelski, and end with an M62 invasion by the Scousers, so bye bye hub cabs.  In between them a rollercoaster of ups and downs (mostly downs if we don't sign a good striker or shake the injury curse).

Unfortunately we're going to be heading back to the Shaky Isles by the time the season kicks off, but we should be able to get to a couple of pre-season friendlies, plus there's talk of a benefit match featuring the swansong of our veteran hero Dean Windass.  Will be nice to cheer him off, providing his zimmer frame doesn't damage the pitch too much.

COME ON THE TIGERS!!!

Wed 17th June 09, 4pm

Swine flu fever is gripping New Zealand, with the media gleefully counting up the number of infected each day.  It's like a very dull version of 28 Days Later.  And true to form my employers have taken a bizarre stand on the matter.  Despite the fact it has proven no more deadly than standard flu, they have :-

• distributed bottles of Hand Sanitizer around the office with instructions on how to avoid catching flu.
• told us to avoid "double dipping" our spoons, and to go home immediately should we experience any flu-like symptoms.
  
• cancelled team briefs and banned dips and crisps from social gatherings due to risks of cross-contamination
• appointed an Influenza Manager with responsibility for whipping up the hysteria and generating three emails an hour on current progress

It's not just us - one of our major clients have adopted an Influenza Policy which forbids anyone arriving in the country from attending site for 7 days, which means I may be forced to work from home when I get back from the UK.  Oh what a pity ;-)

What they forget to mention is that most of us commute by train, sneezed and coughed upon as we trundle into town in those crowded germ wagons.

The media are also advising everyone stock up on food so you can quarantine yourself for a week to "Get Thru It".  I'm wondering if I should be arming myself ready to fend off hordes of snotty zombies trying to steal our Lemsip Max Strength ...

Mind you, I won't be laughing if it stops us from travelling back to the UK next month.

Sun 14th June 09, 1.30pm

In this chess match called Life most of us are mere pawns, making up the numbers and having little influence on the outcome of the game.  If we're lucky we get our moment of glory by taking out an opposing piece, usually sacrificed in the next move.  We have little control over where we can move; basically cannon fodder for the more important pieces.

Until recently we pawns have been happy with our lot, doffing our caps reverently to the king, knowing our place and being comfortable in it.  With the advent of advanced capitalism we're now expected to aspire to being kings.  We're bombarded daily with adverts telling us "impossible is nothing" (buy more shoes) or to "be all you can be" (buy more razor blades).

It's no wonder our average level of happiness has plummeted since the 1950's, despite enjoying unprecedented comfort, convenience and security - a pandemic of "affluenza", as British psychologist Oliver James calls it.

Most of us pawns own everything we need to be content.  But contented pawns don't spend money, so an entire industry exists to brainwash us into being dissatisfied. 

"Miserable wretched pawn!  Why can't you be like the glamorous king - HE has a beautiful queen because HE wears a flash watch.  Don't tell me your pathetic, cheap watch tells the same time - look again:  King owns expensive watch, has attractive woman, therefore ...?"  

After being told this a hundred times the pawn decides his life will be incomplete without that expensive watch, so works extra hard until he saves up the money to buy the expensive watch.  But once it's on his wrist it does exactly the same job as his old watch, and he isn't any more attractive to women.  They lied!

But what can a lowly pawn do about it?  Nothing much except be aware of the smoke and mirrors and not be taken in it.  Being content with what you have is revenge in itself. 

You can't move sideways or choose not to play the game, but at least you can be proud that you're playing your part, however small;  after all the pawn makes the first move.  And at the end of the game the pawn and the king both get put in the same box.

Sun 14th June 09, 12.45pm

Here's a pretty impressive stop motion animation using a wall full of coloured Post Its.  The amount of work that must go into these projects must be immense, considering I can't even complete a 500 word essay to submit to the local newspaper.

I have been mostly :-

• writing 7 - count em! - change requests for a project.  I'm sad in that I quite like documentation, but that's just taking the pish.
• trying to work smarter by studying time management books and websites.  Please feel free to mail me any tips.
  
• enjoying Wor Lass' new passion for home cooking.  Pizzas, meat pie, even Steak Rossini. Yum!
• starting to organise the trip back to the UK, heading out 15th July (swine flu permitting).
  
• watching kids cartoon Invader Zim with the lodger and generally being supageeky.
• swapping one rubbish haircut with another, most expensive and slightly shorter rubbish haircut.  I've not had a really good haircut in about 3 years - why has my hair turned against me?!